It Never Got Econobox Enough For Me

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 12/21/2015 at 11:36 • Filed to: mopeds, kreidler, honda, subaru

32

37

On my tombstone they will carve, IT NEVER GOT ECONOBOX ENOUGH FOR ME. I was a slave to those small engines, those dizzying peaky horsepower numbers lower than the fuel economy sticker, those Macpherson Struts. I’m getting sweaty just thinking about it. But mopeds ? That was a bridge too far, or so I thought.

My accountant Roy saunters into the office, and he tells me that he just found five hundred bucks under the couch cushions in the breakroom and we should go buy mopeds. He impresses upon me the value of my investment in what he defines as motorized art, the alloy steeds spoken of in legend. In the parking lot, I ante up on the deal by popping the clips on my Subaru’s door card and extracting a further five hundred dollars, preserved minty-fresh by the vapour barrier.

As if on cue, the college radio station’s federally-mandated afternoon cultural appreciation programming, consisting entirely of artisanal banjo music, filled the speakers and our hearts with a sense of rural adventure. Together, we departed for the countryside, barging through covered bridges in full opposite lock.

“How many cylinders has it got?” I ask the swarthy man as he sneezed into his handkerchief, and rubbed his moly-greased paws on his hay-covered overalls.

“Got maybe one, I wager. I got it off one of them college boys came out here to protest the sour gas wells. Ambulance left it behind.”

I considered the moped carefully. It was a gently dented ‘71 Kreidler Florett, and it leaked oil and fuel in such quantities I had no doubt the paramedics had performed triage at the scene and slotted it into “already gone.”

“You boys aren’t college educated, are you?”

His line of questioning was interrupted by the stuffing of money down his denim neckhole. I was a moped owner. I was a motorcyclist . I was one of the Nicest People that you would meet, if you were driving a Honda at the time.

Weeks later, Roy tentatively rapped on the front door of my house. He was concerned. I hadn’t turned up to work for weeks. Did I have an accident learning to ride a motorcycle? I opened the door, just a crack, not wanting him to see my deep shame, but he shoved it open, knocking me onto my ass.

The scene that unfolded before him was one of horror. Every available surface in the house was occupied by mopeds, or moped parts. He turned and stared at me, his face white with disbelief.

“They’re just so small ,” I whimpered. “I ran out of room in the garage and I just had to keep saving them they were so lonely, I don’t know what to do.”

As always, my intrepid accountant had a good idea of how to spend my money. Weeks later, our series of vintage moped rent-a-racer events had flourished and America was rediscovering its love of the two-stroke. We were both richer than we could imagine, but the greatly soaring demand for mopeds had raised the price of our junk into the stratosphere.

I rode home on the Kreidler, wondering where it had all gone so wrong. At the lights, I looked up to witness an enormous billboard, advertising the triumphant and flashy return of the Honda CT90. You asked for it, the ad copy roared, and here it is.

Yes. I asked for it.

Birddog > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 13:57

6

“artisanal banjo music”

I laughed way too hard there!

James May is my spirit animal > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 17:31

3

I had a moped in high school that I ripped the pedal crank and chain off of. Put a bigger bowl hole in the carb and a "tuner exhaust" Hit 38-40mph. Thing was fun.

Seat Safety Switch > James May is my spirit animal 12/21/2015 at 17:35

8

We live in the future now! For only a few hundred bucks you can put a Chinese brushless DC on it and make big time power.

tapzz > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 17:38

4

OMG, a farmer’s steed; a real bellyshover.

Haven’t seen one of those in decades!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 17:47

2

Guess what’s getting posted over on r/moped!

interceptor > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 17:49

1

I used to own quite a lot of two stroke like this, a Kreisler 96cc fun, Yamaha RD50 also upped it a bit to 80cc, a puch with a 70 cc pollini and a KX250. Heaps of fun.

James May is my spirit animal > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 17:55

2

And here I am hating to charge a phone every three or so days, and my work phone every day or more frequently. I'd kill myself remembering to charge a moped. Gas? Much easier to remember somehow. Plus I got nearly 110mi off the tank!

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > tapzz 12/21/2015 at 18:15

1

you should come to the netherlands lol.. we’ve essentially still got mods n rockers here... all the cool kids have scooters.. the alternatives have kreidlers n the likes.

always liked the aprillias

Seat Safety Switch > James May is my spirit animal 12/21/2015 at 18:20

4

Well, the nicest motor controllers these days all have regen, so you could charge the battery by either engine braking or (my preference) doing a gas burnout while holding the front brake.

Oh, did I mention that it’s a through-the-road 2WD hybrid in my head? Because it is.

Seat Safety Switch > interceptor 12/21/2015 at 18:20

1

My buddy Roy (who is not entirely fictional) has a constant quest for Puch Magnums.

Seat Safety Switch > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. 12/21/2015 at 18:21

1

It better not be a sincere apology from me for the technical inaccuracies.

tapzz > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 12/21/2015 at 18:42

3

Heh.

Back in my day only farmers rode those sturdy, expensive but resolutely uncool Kreidlers and Zündapps.

The cool stoners had hashish (marijuana) puchs

Rich jocks rode either Honda SS50 or C50 (supercub) 4 strokes

And the girls had automatic Puch Maxis

And the greasers had Yamaha FS1

From the age of 16 up, that was your choice of tribe; all defined by moped.

Whitehouse > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 18:46

2

Just a few miles down the road from where I live, in the Dutch village of Jubbega, is the Dutch Kreidler museum. This brand of moped had, and still has, a massive following in the Netherlands, just like the similar looking Zndapp mopeds. In fact, a Dutchman is responsible for the revival of this brand. He managed to obtain most of the original press dies of the factory and started assembling original Kreidlers in a factory in Portugal.

I’ve seen a picture of a cross over between those brands, a Zndler...

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > tapzz 12/21/2015 at 19:06

2

wow... where i am puch is the runabout for the people that dont care bout being in a group.. just want a cheap a to b runner. same for tomos.

now if ye wanna make a statement... turn up on one of these :D

DoglegFirst > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 19:11

1

Get a cheap electric scooter that is capable of 35 on its own and strap the guts to your gas one for some torquey boost

tapzz > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 12/21/2015 at 19:35

0

Solex- how very French.

With Puchs, it really matters which one; Maxis are cheap transport, but the genuine stoner Puch MV 50 was a fine, parent frightening counter cultural statement:

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > tapzz 12/21/2015 at 20:00

1

that is one fine looking puch.. ive never seen one like it

thats more like what i daily see.... also quick search for puch told me they used to make some prety peds... guess only the fugly ones made it to holland.

(btw we race solex’s here... its a thing of beauty :P)

427zeo6 > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 20:08

1

Kreidlers are BADASS! They ruled the small displacement road racing classes for years! Nice find!

427zeo6 > James May is my spirit animal 12/21/2015 at 20:11

3

The smell of Castor Oil......Smells like VICTORY! 2 Strokes FTW.....disclaimer.....I owned various Yamaha RD/TZ/RZ bikes in my life but, my favorite was my 1986 RG500 Suzuki, when the power valve snapped open on that Bytch you'd better have a good grip on the bars!

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > tapzz 12/21/2015 at 20:23

1

solex race... if ye feel like wasting 9 minutes

Seat Safety Switch > Whitehouse 12/21/2015 at 20:28

0

You should visit this museum, take some pictures, and tell Oppo all about it.

427zeo6 > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 20:45

1

But! After the apocalypse.....the world will be ruled by the 2 STROKE!

Seat Safety Switch > 427zeo6 12/21/2015 at 20:46

1

Even before the apocalypse.

https://vimeo.com/70035072

TopFlor > Seat Safety Switch 12/21/2015 at 21:37

3

1972, Holland, Hippie, bought an uncool Kreidler because it rode so nice... After seeing Easy Rider of course installed a huge handlebar and the mandatory sissy bar in the back.. Until I crashed it into a Mercedes Benzzzz. After the few broken bones mended I bought a Citroen 2CV, most significant car Ever!! Drove it all over Europe, basically without a hick up! I still have one here, in Santa Cruz, CA. (Btw the cool chicks then rode a Mobylette)

Fred Greenwood > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 02:58

1

Just in case anyone wasn’t aware of the reference here is the link to the great HST article, Song of the Sausage Creature, from Cycle World in 1995.

http://www.latexnet.org/~csmith/sausag…

Tohru > 427zeo6 12/22/2015 at 03:37

0

Shiny and chrome! And spewing oil smoke!

Kingen2 > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 04:49

1

Dude, seriously! Kreidler was one of the most tunable mopeds out there, the were fucking brutal! The even had 13 hp cylinders prepared for nitrous. Fan cooled 6,5 hp cylinders and you could easily make them 5 speed.

Dont knock Kreidlers!

Brian Tschiegg > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 06:31

1

Honestly one of the best things I've ever read on kinja.

Skippy the McWaffle > tapzz 12/22/2015 at 07:30

0

I need that FS1 in my garage, or basement, or room. I can find a spot for it, I promise!

tapzz > Skippy the McWaffle 12/22/2015 at 08:00

0

Remember that they’re only 50cc two strokes, with an official top speed of just 30 mph, even if every self respecting owner knew how to get at least 10 mph more out of them. As did the cops, for that matter.

Anyway, they seem to be going for about €500.- to €3000.- these days.

atomicalex > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 09:09

0

There are entire clubs for those in Germany....

tuesdaystoday > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 09:33

1

This tale sounds oh so familiar…only for me it wasn’t artisanal banjo music. It was repurposed rockabilly. The kind the hipsters need to ironically groom their moustaches to.

Those buzzy little bastards will consume you!

Mikey > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 15:06

1

Amazing, so much truth in here regarding moped addiction.

Spoon II > Seat Safety Switch 12/22/2015 at 15:30

1

You’ve crafted another wonderful tale you magnificent son of a bitch!! I applaud your work!

Downshift-Dave > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 01/04/2016 at 11:55

0

(American guy here or couldn’t find a translation)

Where is this? It looks like a fun event. Is it only a racing event or is it also a fair or festival?

I wish we had something like that in Chicago.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Downshift-Dave 01/04/2016 at 12:05

0

its in the netherlands. mostly run in smaller towns and it tends to be closer to a fair than just a race. (you know beer food n music kinda affair)

Tohru > Seat Safety Switch 11/08/2020 at 11:29

0

How little did you realize the prophecy would be foretold.